Liza's-ex to explain why Mikey's 'that way'!

Winner of the 'Lon Chaney as Phantom of the Opera' lookalike contest, and Liza Minelli's ex-punching bag, David Gest, is promising to tell Mikey's sex secrets in his upcoming autobiography. Apparently he feels it's time that Mikey's skeletons were released from their closet so that "the public can understand why Michael turned out the way he did." Hmmm, we wonder if Mr. Gest will explain why he himself turned out the way he has. After all he pretty much rivals Mikey in the freak-face sweepstakes, and seems to have taken Liza as a bride although for all intents and purposes he is reportedly gay — yes, we know Liza goes for that sort of thing — but is that any reason jump on her delusional haywagon?! Breathless claims from the book have Papa Joe Jackson buying Mikey a 'ho, while another has our star being hit on by, gasp!, a male record exec! Expect the fans to wanna rearrange Davey's face again for him ... after all he's been one of Mikey's stalwart chums since their teen years growing up in Encino together, how dare he spill Mikey's sex beans?! And during the molestation trial he was a frequent Mikey apologist on various talk shows spouting the standard loony party line about how great a man/humanitarian/buddy/daddy he is. Maybe he can blame his sudden need to spout off now on that last blow to the head courtesy of Liza with a fist, before their marriage dissolved under the weight of its own kookiness?! We love leaving our readers on an up note, so we're posting the lovely sham wedding pic of Mr. Gest and his beloved Liza. Note Mikey with his water-buffalo 'do and huge Peter Pan collared lady suit and Liz Taylor lookin' dotty and heavily veiled. Good times, really good times....