Survival of the sickest!

Who'd'a thought Mikey would make it to his 48th birthday? We know we didn't. We mean with all the drug abuse, eating disorders, unnecessary and hideous-resulting plastic surgeries, the drinking, the french fries late at night with the boys, the unrestricted Skittle consumption, the Jesus Juice, the enemas, the tampons, the crying jags and the climbing in a tree, the traveling to Thailand and Brazil, the game playing with the boys, the skin bleaching, the makeup, the lipstick, the tattooed eyeliner, the implanting, the eye-widening, the hair burning, the Jheri Curling, the weaving, the individual whisker applying, the metal knee guarding, the epaulet dependency, the boys staying the night, the "sleeping on the floor", the arm-band addiction, the falling in the bathtub/closet, the celery juice diet drinking, the hanging out with hordes of yes-men and women and advisors and lawyers and no-account family members all out to get his money, money, money, the endless working on that danged Katrina single (stormy Miss Katrina having had her own first birthday just a few days ago), the trying on of endless outfits meant to 'butch up' or hip-hop our hero, the Muslim style cross-dressing, the drafting of press releases promising a comeback/new album/new tour/new house/new country/new anything worth seeing, the endless dodging of lawsuits by associates/lawyers/advisors/business partners, and always the tiring and endless stream of demands from boys, boys' parents and more boys, the fatherhood, the crazy ex-wives, the scheming nanny, the arab prince, the homelessness, the police "manhandling, the "doo-doo feces", the courtroom, the walk to the courtroom, the crazy-assed fans, the losing the ranch for all intents and purposes, the needy animals... We were entirely sure it would all be too much for Mikey and that he'd have checked out by this point and moved to that celebrity loony bin in the sky where his throne awaits with the gold plaque that reads "King of Fools". Sigh. So, twisted birthday wishes, Mikey, here's hoping you and the kids don't spill ice cream on your burkas or whatever you're wearing or not wearing tonight... You give credence to the idea that cockroaches really are survivors!

Talk about yer 'cash cows'!

The trial in the Marc Schaffel case against Mikey resumed yesterday. During Schaffel's testimony, the distributor of barely-legal gay porn and Jacko money man, told of providing $300,000 to a family living in Brazil on Mikey's behalf. He didn't elaborate on what the money was actually being sent for, referring to it only as a "personal matter" of Mikey's. Roger Friedman in his column today says his sources are convinced that this money when to an already sequestered family whose son Mikey'd abused earlier, making this another hush-money payoff like the 20-million and 2-million dollar payoffs in the '90s. Mikey's then-accountant confirmed the request for the $300 Gs but said he "chose" not to know the full reason for it after hearing a partial explanation. Hmmm, not sure we would want to know either. The jury in the trial has also been treated to a series of taped messages Mikey left Schaffel alternately begging for money, love and loyalty... we'd love to get an earful o'them, too... anybody got a link? PLUS: TMZ.com is running a snippet of the deposition video made earlier this year in London, where a clueless and clearly muddle-headed Mikey can't seem to understand a very basic question. When asked where he would get cash from when he needed it, he says he got it from the cows at Neverland! Of course, we know he means he got the cash from the leasing of the grazing land there to the cows' owners but really, how stupid-seeming does he think he's allowed to be and still get a pass?! Is this the much vaunted child-like innocence we've heard tell of all these years?! Or, does Mikey really think that at Neverland the cows spurt regular milk, chocolate milk and $20-dollar bills?! Note how he cagey he thinks he is when he offers that when he needed money he never went to his accountants; note how smug he becomes thinking he's really pulled a fast one on the questioner. Here's the link and we know there'll be more snippets coming in the next few days. We can't wait!

'I now pronounce you nanny and wife!'

In yet another sure-to-backfire attempt at appearing 'normal', longtime nanny Grace Rwarmba has reportedly offered to marry Mikey. The impulse behind this is surely the impending court case regarding his babymama, Big Deb Rowe, and the issues surrounding his parentage. Of course such a misguided and numbskull-ish notion could only have come from Mikey's fevered imagination, in spite of the fact that his other campaigns of normalcy have always bombed in the past. (You know, the marriages, the 'butch' makeovers, the behind the scenes documentaries) The big surprise is that nanny Grace has apparently harbored a not-so-secret desire to be Mrs. Michael Jackson for awhile now. Before you ask where they're registered, know that a possible fly in the ointment could be an affair the nanny had with Mikey's greezy/lumpy bro Jermaine in '99/2000. Plus, she's widely disliked by most Team Jacko members, who view her as competition for what's left of Mikey's money. Read the short marriage item after the piece on a Rolling Stone in rehab, here.


NOTE: In case any of you were of the notion that Miz Grace might be on the up and up, I offer this exchange between an MSNBC interviewer and the nanny in January 2004. Kinda makes you wonder who's nuttier, the nanny or her boss dunnit — WTF?!
MSNBC: What is it about you that you’d like people to know?
Rwarmba: If the media really wants to know who I am, why don’t they bring their cameras along with me to underdeveloped or third world countries where six-year-old children are living in the streets without parents. Or go with me where there are earthquake victims in the Middle East and where thousands are dying. Come go with me even closer to home to our emergency rooms in hospitals where hard working people are turned away just because they don’t have health insurance.

Mikey's makeup malfunction!

No, that is not the love child of the 'Crypt Keeper' and an extra from 'The Planet of the Apes', it's our own Mikey in the bathroom of the Vegas Ritz-Carlton trying to stage some sympathy-garnering bruises after his arrest in November 2003. In the photos, shown publicly for the first time as part of Roger Friedman's column, you can see the mis-placed and less-than-convincing 'bruises' as they're being created. All of this in an attempt to divert attention from his crimes by hopefully starting an OJ-like 'race war' where he was the unfortunate victim of white policemen who 'manhandled' him. Boy, can't you just see the meeting of Mikey advisors where they came up with that one?! Bet the Jesus Juice was flowing freely that night. Of course, after an in-depth investigation, the whole "doo-doo" tinged episode was exposed as a lie in 2004. Which only made sense since even the most casual observer of these pics has to ask themselves: why would the police put the supposedly too-tight handcuffs on Mikey's forearms, shouldn't the bruises be around his scrawny wrists?! Whattan idiot! My fave part of the column says that 'sources close' to Mikey provided these shots... and, we don't know about you all but we love when that happens! Read the column and check out the other pics here.

MJ mines Dimond reports in Schaffel case!

Longtime Mikey nemesis and uber-fan BJ Hickman's fave target, the lovely Diane Dimond, is being subpoenaed as a witness for Mikey in the Marc Schaffel lawsuit. Mikey's side is hoping to use reports gathered by the lovely DD to prove that Schaffel was a gay porn producer. Hmmm... we thought everyone already knew this, Mikey as well, so how this will help him prove he doesn't owe Schaffel $4-million is anyone's guess. In fact we thought that it was because Schaffel was a producer of what is known in the porn world as 'barely legal' gay porn, that Mikey was associated with him at all! Go figure. Also being called are former Dimond colleague, Harvey Levin, pear-shaped loser and longtime Team Jackson wide receiver, Brian Oxman and Mikey's (thanklessly employed) accountant, Alan Whitman. MIA from the list are business advisor (?!) Alvin Malnik and garage-bound longtime Mikey assistant, Evvy Tavasci. The case is due to go to trial on the 19th of June but fans shouldn't get their sequinned glove(s) out of storage yet: Mikey's so skittish about being arrested for something, anything!, by the Santa Barbara DA's office that he's staying right where he is. Namely cruising up da' Nile at breakneck speed. Read Rog's latest here. We offer a pic of the lovely DD holding up a large tome from the Mikey bedside reading collection called 'The Boy'. No 'barely legal' depictions of nude boys in this book, they're fully underage! Ah, art.

Tokyo: orphans, suits, targeted by monster!

Japan will again be menaced by a hideous monster created because man disregarded the laws of nature. No, not Godzilla. This time, we're talkin' Mikey! MTV Japan plans to bestow the 'Legend Award' upon our hero during a ceremony at the Yoyugi Olympic Stadium this Saturday. Accompanying Mikey during the event will be his spokeswhore, Raymone Bain, who added that he will be touring Tokyo, as well as making stops in Shanghai, Singapore and Hong Kong. She also mentioned that he would be visiting with members of the Asian business community and orphanages. Hmmmm. Now, what would Mikey have to talk to the short guys in suits about? Could the breathless announcement of Michael Jackson's Yokohama Petting Zoo be on its way? Maybe the new Michael Jackson Institute for the Study of Cross-Cultural Cross Dressing? And, why would he be visiting orphanages? Window shopping? Souvenir hunting? Aren't the three orphans he's already raising enough for him? Broderick Morris, CE of Positive Productions (snicker) Yokohama, says "... He loves Japan and we love him" about Mikey, adding that "We look forward to welcoming him." Mikey himself made the hopeful statement that he looks forward to "seeing old friends and saying hello to my huge fan base" there. As if news of this Asian tour wasn't exciting enough, Blondie Bain added that Mikey hopes to record a new album in '07 (!) and that work on the Katrina single continues apace! Judging by the amount of time it's taking for Mikey to put together this charity single for an disaster soon to reach its first anniversary, we can expect that new album in 3007! The story's here.

Custody case public, other legal giggles!

A California superior court judge yesterday ruled that all the papers pertaining to Mikey and Big Deb's divorce/custody case be made public. This unsealing could reveal who actually fathered Prince I and Paris ...and finally lay to rest the lie that Mikey contributed anything other than cash to the conception of his first two children. (Though only the blind and those fans blinded by their own delusions would have believed otherwise.) It could also detail just how he was able to spirit "his" children out of the US, in spite of Big Deb's protests, and the law. Also this week Mikey was in London for another videotaped deposition, this time for the $4-million suit filed by Marc Schaffel. During the depo the always-appropriate Noseless One "giggled" and behaved oddly. When the case opens next month in LA the jury will see this taped performance, complete with contradictary statements to his earlier testimony. We sure hope some of these taped depo moments make it onto the web; it'd be cool to see a mash-up of Mikey's loopiest moments set to a corresponding soundtrack of hoooooos, hee-hees and shimonas... could tide us all over till that katrina single, new rap single, new album new anything makes an appearance. Read Roger Friedman's column detailing Mikey's sucky legal week here.